“I have never felt so down in my life. I feel broken inside. I feel like a girl who hates herself [and who says guys can't?]. I need a tight hug. I'm holding back my tears again. I want to cry in someone's arms. I know I'll get over it soon. I know this is a tiny matter. But it hasn't really stopped aching since tonight. The truth hurts. Sadly, I had to hear it from someone else. And all too late.Nobody sees me when I cry. Nobody sees the sadness in my eyes. Nobody sees me for all that I am. Nobody really understands. This is being lonely even when not alone. I'm tired of holding back my tears. I'm tired of playing 'strong' for other people. I have the right to be vulnerable.
...
For both our sakes, expect nothing from me. Forget all the visions; dreams you have of me. Do not believe anything you hear, read, or assume about me. Expect nothing.”
...
There went another piece of my inner sanctum for public reading. This is therapy for the 'emotionally guarded'. The walled hearts.
To those who make me smile, I thank you beyond words. To my family, all my love and life. Behind everything, you love me undyingly.
Waaaah.. why are you lonely?
ReplyDeleteHay, ang hirap naman ng tanong mo, Aizen. Madami akong pwedeng isagot.
ReplyDeleteI'm not that sad, really. I live far from a depressing or miserable life. I'm quite content and happy with my current state, in fact. I always take it as blessing how I wake up every morn, feeling generally happy. But don't you just wish you could wake up and feel extra happy? Jumping jack happy? Enchanted Kingdom happy? Cheerleader happy? Hmm...I hope I'm making sense. The day before late was one of those "below happy" days. I heard something awful said about me. I don't know why it affected me so much, but it pulled me down. I felt like a girl being called fat and ugly. Y'all know how depressing that can sound for an insecure 16 year old chick. It felt something like that. Mas maganda ikwento sa personal.
I feel lonely because of many reasons. One of them is being the emotionally-guarded/walled-heart that I am. I don't have anyone to open up with because I always strive to appear strong for others. I mask my weaknesses because others derive their strength from me. Another reason is that I feel like I'm the last of my kind...exactly like the pronghorn itself. Coming from a displaced family in a seemingly foreign place, how could I not feel lonely?
(Gee, I hope I've made sense. This is the side of me I rarely share, as you can see why.)
Oh no. So it only takes may be a word to turn your life "upside down"? Last Saturday, ok ka naman. Sige ikwento mo na lang pag may chance ulit tayo magkita-kita. :c
ReplyDeleteHey, now I got it! You feel sad in the start of the day because of something said against you...
ReplyDeleteI also, sometimes, feels like that. Minsan nga basta sad lang ako..
If you need some shoulder to cry on, Aizen and I were here for you...
Cheer up soldier boy
Smile :-D
Thanks, guys. I've felt much better since yesterday. Hindi ko na siya dinidibdib. Ganiyan lang naman ako; mabilis makatayo. Sadly, though, the deeper issues still make me sad once in a while. (These are the issues that I have with myself, not with others.)
ReplyDeleteHope to see you gents, soon. :)
Parang may idea na ako sa "deeper issues" mo....
ReplyDeleteSige nga, Aizen. Bulong mo saakin. ;P
ReplyDeletebukas na lang ;p trade tayo 'di ba ;p
ReplyDeletepero malungkot yung "deeper issues" mo 'di ba? nakakalungkot tuloy
u need a tight hug? i was giving it to you! you turned it down!
ReplyDeleteBettina: Haller? Halaman? Bawal hawakan ang katawan ng %$%*_&*@$%. Hahahahahaha! j/k
ReplyDeleteAizen: Bukas ah. Parang alam mo na ata eh. ^_^
Ano yung bukas... Hmmmmmm... May lakad ang dalawa na di alam ng Yu-Gi.... Hmmmpft! *nakaIrap* Hehehe
ReplyDelete^ Nyak. Mali ang iniisip mo (kung ang iniisip mo ay iyung iniisip ko ngayon). Yung 'bukas-bukas' na iyan, eh iyun iyung kwento ko. Syempre kung lalakad kami, magkasama tayong tatlo. 'To naman. *hagod sa likod* Paglilihiman ka ba namin? ^_^
ReplyDeleteNaku Yu Gi ang sinasabi ni Prong eh bukas niya i kwe kwento yun kanyang "distraction". Feng Shui daw. Saka malamang via online ang kwento hindi meet up ;p
ReplyDelete