How To Become A 'Real Man' (tm)

In response to a thread in Pinoy Exchange:

If you're desperate to be a 'Real Man' or appear 'Manly' ("Tunay na Lalaki" or "Lalaking Lalaki" in Tagalog) in the eyes of the masses (God bless their superior intelligence), or at least the masses of American and Americanised society (that includes you, Philippines), you must remember to follow the steps below like dogma.

1. Don't ever, ever let anyone see you cry. Emotions are for sissies. Suck it up like a man!

2. Never, ever worry about hygiene or fashion. Real men don't bathe, care about the oil on their faces, clean their ears, or worry if they're wearing crosstrainers or rubber shoes to a wedding.

3. If your male friend says "I love you", even if he means platonic love, humiliate his feelings and rudely point out that he's gay. Then punch him hard. Real men are very violent and rarely think before doing anything. Like gorillas.

4. You are the hunkiest, handsomest man in the world. Every other guy is a twit. But when another guy acknowledges this handsomeness of yours, point out he's being gay. Men are in constant competition with each other, why should he praise you?

5. Stop being articulate or philosophical. Men don't have to worry about brains. The only body part that matters is the penis (and maybe the balls).

6. Play every god-damned sport there is. (In the Philippines, this is limited to basketball.) Culture can only be expressed through sports. Writing, dancing and the others are for girly men.

7. Eat like a pig. Slurp, chew with your mouth open, talk while your mouth is full, and belch as rudely as possible. Men are the kings of the world, why worry about good manners?

8. Treat girls like they're sexual objects. Never ever respect what they say, or how they think. Slap the bitch if she doesn't want to have sex with such a hunk like you. Being gentlemanly is so gay.

9. Be insecure. Be very insecure. Always doubt other guys' sexuality and/or gender identity. You're the only one that's macho, remember. All the others must learn from you.

10. Don't even think of cooking, washing clothes; fixing them; ironing them, gardening, knitting, or reading. Those are girls' stuff. Men were designed to hunt deer, and that should be it.

11. Do not show affection towards your son, nephew, or younger brother/cousin/friend. This way, the little boy's psycho-emotional needs would be so messed up, he'd turn out exactly the way you are when he screws up, err, grows up. Be a role model, and repress.

That said, I pity those who actually believe being any of what I just satirically pointed out makes them real men. Fuck, these are the unfair stereotypes that brand us men as the insensitive, inutile, dick-brained trolls of feminazi mythology. Please, stop giving Manhood a bad name.